REST... how do you be?

Well I tried.... I gave it my best shot but unfortunately I couldn't keep up with the kids and a blog. Oh wait you all saw that coming! However the attempt was good! It was just so difficult to balance grading, peer teachers, and about 100 students. Many nights I came home and crashed on the couch for hours then wake up and start preparing for my next day of adventures.

I am prepared for a long list of stories that I had written down in my journal to soon post to share. SO GET READY!!!

It is now official I have finished my student teaching at Conrad Ball Middle School. I have graduated and now resting comfortable in my own home! I am looking forward to the new adventures that await and am looking for positions and getting my paperwork in for a licence and so I can also sub for this next semester. Subbing will provide more stories, perhaps then I can stay current with a blog.

In the last few days it has provided me time to process and reflect on this journey. I think about how this semester of Student Teaching had been a fear of mine to face since I was little. Now that it and school are over, I am left wondering what am I to do. However as I toss and turn over the next step, a gentle whisper is telling me it is ok to REST!

Rest for me is a foreign thing. If not every second is filled with an activity I feel like I am waisting my life. I remember when I was a child talking with my great grandma Ruth she told me that, "you can never get back a second of your life so live it well!" I remember then looking up at the clock knowing that I would never again have 3:32 June 6th, 1992 to do over. I think that is why I fill my life with things to do. But recently I have been being urged to rest. This is contradictory to what college graduates are supposed to do, but I have a the opportunity to enjoy this time.

In the Bible it talks about how God even orchestrated a time called Jubilee which mandated that people rest. Pastors go on sabbaticals, so this next time in my life I will be resting. I am reminded of one of my favorite passages where Elijah is called to go to the desert to eat and rest. I plan on just that. I must learn how to once again not "do" for Christ love but just "be" in his love. Being is difficult for me to do because I feel like I don't deserve it. I trust that these whispers should not go unnoticed.

I was talking with a friend the other day at a lovely coffee house, Two Rivers, and he was telling me how 2011 was going to be a year of prayer. He had decided to be intentional with prayer and understood what that mean for his life. I am stealing this idea but putting a Kendra flare to it.... 2011 will be at year of intentionally resting with the Lord, listening to the whispers and being intentional with my love towards others.

I do ask one last thing of anyone that reads this... if you have any thoughts on what it may look like to rest or any advice for me as this new adventure begins, please let me know!

Happy NEW YEAR.... may it be full of rest!

Text message hypothesis

Another week in to Student Teaching and still I am learning SO much everyday. Kiddos are still wanting to test me every single day. I didn't know that teaching was going to be just telling kids how to behave or what they can and can not do. Here is a list of my most common quotes over the last few weeks:

• "sit still"
• "turn around"
• "no, you may not go to the bathroom"
• "do you need a pencil?"
• "where is your book?"
• "Please keep your hands to yourself"
• "where is your homework"
• "why is your agenda in your locker?"
• AND.. "No we are not going to have any fun today!"

However, I do have some bright parts to my day and still some quite funny stories. For example, I also grade papers. Yes bright part! Just kidding! No, but it can be funny to try to depict some of their writing due to spelling and capitalization errors. My favorite is when I tell kids they need to capitalize proper nouns such as America. Kids change: america to america. Well I think its humorous.

The next story I regret to tell you I didn't observe with my own eyes. However I am coaching volleyball and many of my girls are in my mother's science class. So this story is about on of my girls observed my my mother. One day my mom was doing a lab and was using scales. One of my volleyball girls places her cell phone on the scale to see how much it weighed. During the cell phone's stay on the scale the girl received a text message. She quickly said, "Oh I wonder if it weighs more with a new text message." Well it was a great hypothesis! I thought you technology gurus would like that story.

From Beiber fever to new friends

Its the start of the 5th week and I am finally starting to find my routine! Thank goodness! I cannot believe how fast the weeks seem to be flying by. I have been ready to quit several times and I have been so in love with teaching that I just can't wait to get there the next day. However, I have been learning sooo much in the last 2 weeks.

For example, I am figuring out that I actually have some classroom management! The kids are starting to stop testing me everyday in the classroom. Today I grumped at one of the students to stay on task. He quickly responded with, "Wow, I haven't seen you do that before. That was kinda scary." I responded with "Well, now we know its in their don't make me bring it out." So now the kids quickly called "it" the "Hulk". How how I love the comic book references. I also am starting to pick up on the little things the kids are trying to get away with in class, like texting, listening to ipods, or reading. Yes, they are trying to read and I have to tell them to put their book away. Shocking!

There has been several stories over the last few weeks that have made me laugh. Oh yes, share time! First has to be a volleyball story. It was the practice after our first game and I had gotten the team together to talk about the game. One of my questions was, "Is there anything that is going on with you that might affect the team?" One of the sweetest girls raised her hand and said "Yes, I would just like the team to know that I am coming into my feminine years." I'm not kidding you this is what she said. How am I supposed to respond to that? AND how am i supposed to respond to that without laughing. Anyway I would just like you all to know that we have now played two games, and have won them both very easily! These girls are really REALLY good! For 6th graders!

The next story has to do with music, or what some call music. We had the students fill out information about themselves. From questions like what makes you mad, how do you learn best, what is a memory from a subject, to what is your favorite music, movies etc. So this one girls paper that I was reading made me laugh and so I would like to share and answer of hers with you. To the question what is your favorite music she wrote the following bands: Slipknot, Metallic, Ozzy Osborn, Rage Against the Machine, 50 cent, Eminem, and...... Justin Bieber! Huh? It's like a game of which one of these doesn't belong. Oh but come on, Justin Beiber he is so good! It's Bieber Fever!

There are some other interesting kiddos in the class. They are now being able to vocalize their fears and freak outs with me AND its almost on a daily basis now. They are just so high maintenance. One of these high maintenance kiddos came scrambling up to me during class in a class 5 freak out. He quickly asked if he could go to the nurse because he was bleeding under his skin. When in reality it was just a marker. Now, before you say, oh Kendra he was just trying to get out of class, that is what I thought too! So I quickly sent him back to his desk and kinda chuckled at his failed attempt. However, either this kid is a very good actor and just went all in or he actually had a mental break down. He began to cry and legitimately freak out. So I had to go over and calm him down before the class was completely off task and therefore chaos. Oh wait too late! Finally, I convinced the kid that it was just marker and he could go wash his hands in the bathroom. He finally relaxed and did his work. Oh and your are correct he never went to the nurse. Just one of the many things I deal with.

Then there is one of my favorite students. I pretty much have a story a day about this kid. This kid really struggles with social cues and is highly analytical and must follow the rules to a T. To demonstrate this kids thinking I will share two of my favorite stories. First of all we have levels of talking from 0-4 in our class. 0 is no talking, 1 is whisper, 2, quiet voice, 3 presentation voice, 4 outside voice. We usually work in a 0 talking level. Therefore this kid was ripping up his journal and crumpling paper when I walked over to talk to him. I asked if I could help or whats wrong. He replied with, "I can't ask a question because we are at a 0 talking level or I would tell you that I 100% don't get this." I told him you can always ask a question if of course you raise your hand. Another moment with this kid happened today. We were playing this atlas game and before the game started I went over to help him with his warm-up for the day. In the midst of trying to calm him down and to get him pumped for the game this student replied with. "No offense but my biggest challenge today is going to be against myself" Amen kid, ME TOO!

Well, it finally happened! We all new it would! I mean really it was just a matter of time before.... I was asked if I was a new student! Yes, little me got mistaken as an 8th grader! I was observing an 8th grade class when one sweet little girl leaned over and asked if i needed help getting caught up to what was going on in the class, and even asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her friends. I honestly thought about taking her up on the offer. I made a new friend!

2 days of purple

I am so excitedly exhausted! I am now into the third week of student teaching which means I am still observing and slowly taking over 5th period. This past week the students and I have been building our relationships. I have been getting to know them and they have been getting to know me. Therefore they now have more confidence in asking me questions. Sometimes these questions can be really personal, but for the most part they are just hilarious.

Monday my cooperating teacher got sick so I had to take over the entire day of teaching! It was quite an experience and I fully enjoyed every moment. I think the adrenaline took over for the most part! My first hour was really quite so we started talking about the weekend and allowing them to ask me questions to get know me better. So one girl, who reminds me of Sarah Piersky, sheepishly raised her hand and asked, "Why did you want to be a teacher?" To which I replied cause I wanted to hang out with cool kids and help students learn there might be better ways to live. " Without missing a beat this young girl looked up at me with bewilderment in her eyes and said, "Ms. you know that you have to get up early to be a teacher? Why would you do that to yourself?" This is a great question.... AND my answer is..... I DON'T KNOW!!!

Not only do the students question my career choice but they question.... MY FASHION! Today one of the "popular" girls beckoned me over to her and her little groupies. She quickly asked me "Why did you wear purple two days in a row. I mean you look really good today but..." Heck whats wrong with purple? What did I take from this?....A 7th grade girl thinks that I look good! YES VICTORY IS MINE!

ensalada de papa

So I'm into my second week now and I am already starting to form connections with students. While making these connections I am gaining a lot of fun stories...

Story 1: The students are expected to come into the classroom and start journal questions that are on the board. Sound familiar? The question today was asking the student to predict if the Uni tied States population is the same or different than the world's population. This student replied there would be more Americans because Americans live in America. Just thought you should all know that!

Story 2: This particular student is trying to be "too cool for school!" I have become very fond of this kid however he is getting in trouble already in other classes due to outburst and bullying. Sad day :( So the other day this kid was bragging to the other kids about how much money he has and flashing lots of money to the other kids. Today he had folded up the money into rings which he wore on his fingers and proceeded to walk down the hall saying...."I got the bank on my fingers." Who is this kid? Aww but still love this kid!

Story 3: First period is slowly becoming one of my favorite classes, but my favorite part of the morning is what has become, Spanish word of the day. One of the students have decided that he wants to learn Spanish so we have been adding one word everyday which he then writes the word down. One of these words is"C" which is "Si". My favorite word however is "Ensalada de papa" which is potato salad. Yet for us we decided that this just sounds like a pimp name! Ensalada de papa!

More stories to come!

Everything has changed

I am now several days into the start of my student teaching semester, and already it is quite an experience. Everything is new! Everything has changed! It has been really hard for me to completely switch from my old life, which was only last week when I lived in Arvada. For the last few days I have spent most of my time missing all my friends and all the wonderful students in Arvada. Yet as much as I miss the students, I realized that I just can't wait to meet the new kids that will consume my life till December. I realized how much I miss having kids in my life when I started coaching volleyball on Monday.

I have been coaching volleyball for 3 days now, and I am already falling in love with these new little girls... and yes they are little!!!! I had one girl today all upset because she was worried about making the team. Oh how cute, she reminds so much of myself at that age. I reassured her that she is completely fine, but hope she continues to be a leader. I am really excited for these girls...p.s. I have two that can jump serve!!!! haha 6th graders who can jump serve! Oh the joy!

I also cannot wait till I actually have kids in the classroom. I am just really anxious and getting really tired of looking at old CSAP scores or sitting in meetings. I don't think I am alone. For example the Math teacher on my team in each of our meetings has either busted out a whoopie cushion, a tiger mask, or throwing a ball around. I think he will be a great influence on me... Oh and he also giggles with me when anyone says "Duty". My cooperating teacher is not impressed with bathroom humor. What am going to do?

The countdown is on to meet the new kids!

A Call for adventure

I just wrote this paper for my Children's lit class. I love that class! Anyway I thought I would share it, not because I am particularly proud of it, by no means but because of some of the thoughts that it uncovered today. The paper and a conversation with a good friend.

The thought is that sometimes in order for us to discover who we really are, the person that has been there the entire time, there is a need for adventure. An adventure that maybe filled with challenges and the unknown.

However the biggest growth sometimes happens when leave what is comfotable and do something hard. Anyway this is my paper read on if you like it just some thoughts about discovering the hero that IS inside all of us.


The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien has for a long time been one of my favorite books. I remember reading it when I was a child with my mother. We sat in my bunk-bed with my blue starry sheets, reading and reading until my eye lids finally were too heavy to stay open. I would then be lost in my dreams of Middle-Earth. The dreams would be calling me to go on my own adventure. I wanted my own Gandalf to come and beckon me on the epic quest, knowing that it was only my destiny to save Middle-Earth. In my dreams I would travel over the misty mountains, through the dark forests, come out alive from battles with goblins, wood-elves, and dragons. It was a great adventure. Though Gandalf never knocked on my door, there has been that call of adventure. Life itself is an adventure and like Bilbo we all have two options on the table. One to stay safe at home following the same routine, or two, venture outward try new things and like Bilbo discover more about who you are. I have found that in order for a person truly to grow, or at least the most noticeable growth occurs, when faced with a task or trials, an adventure. In a course of an adventure, one like Bilbo had, one can discover that their life has a purpose, that there are interior and exterior struggles that one must overcome. In the end of this adventure whatever it maybe one can discover how much of a hero you really are.

Destiny and fate are two ideas that I haven’t quite rapped my head around fully yet. However, I do believe that we all have a purpose in this life, whether that is by chance or determined I don’t know. In the Hobbit, like many of Tolkien’s other works there is implication that here the hobbits have some mysterious force that allows them and only them to go on these adventures. Only they are able to be the burglar, to get the ring, and later Frodo to carry and destroy the ring. It would be implied by Gandalf’s final speech to Bilbo when Gandalf says: “Surely you don’t disbelieve the prophecies, because you had a hand in bringing them about yourself? You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit?” that perhaps this was Bilbo’s destiny to succeed. The adventure and success of Bilbo implies to me not so much that our lives are pre-determined but that our lives are meaningful. That what we do matters, and we have a purpose. Life isn’t lived by just sitting in the same routine, that there is something bigger out there that we are intended to do, not just the Bilbo’s but all of us.

Adventures also uncover inner struggles that hold the hero back from realizing the hero that they truly are or intended to be. One struggle that Bilbo faced was the fear of the adventure, the unknown. This can hold so many of us back from going on the adventure that is so desperately needed. Bilbo didn’t know and was rightfully afraid of what could happen with the dwarfs. He didn’t know all that it meant for him to be the burglar. However, somewhere inside him the call for adventure was stronger than the fears of the unknown, the unexpected response of a hobbit. The call was so strong that Bilbo ran to the adventure without his handkerchief or his hat, leaving the comfortable and the expected behind. This ultimately transforms Bilbo from the timid hobbit to a courageous and adventurous persona. Facing the unknown or the unexpected has a tendency to transform us as well, when we overcome the fear.

Bilbo was also faced with many exterior struggles that also revealed to him parts of the hero he was intended to be. First there was the three trolls, where Bilbo is first put to the test. Even though he is not fully successful in this first attempt he learns that heroes can not always be hesitant and that some situations require immediate action. Even though Gandalf did help save them, Bilbo learns that sometimes he is the only hero there and must call up the hero that is inside of him. Then there is the encounter with Gollum and the Goblins where Bilbo uses his own wits and smarts to escape. It is here that there is no one but Bilbo to figure a way out and Bilbo is filled with a larger understanding of what he is capable of. This understanding comes in useful has he is forced to lead and save the dwarfs from the spiders and the wood-elves. By the time Bilbo encounters Smaug he has even more understanding of the hero he is becoming and is able to figure out the weakness of the dragon. Finally Bilbo also is the hero by uniting the dwarfs and men with the negotiation of the Arkenstone. Bilbo demonstrated unselfishness, desire for the ultimate good of all, humility, and bravery. These things are quite a change from the Bilbo from the Shire. Through the external challenges of the adventure Bilbo was able to discover the hero he was.

The adventure that Bilbo Baggins went on uncovered this life of purpose that Bilbo had. It drug him away from his formerly reclusive, indifferent, and leisurely self caught in routine and transformed him into a courageous and adventurous hobbit. The struggles that Bilbo overcame in the adventure awoke the hero that was always there. From the adventure Bilbo emerged as a stronger more multifaceted individual. The Hobbit is a wonderful story of one conquering inner struggles, such as fear, and external challenges. Isn’t that life? We too if we allow ourselves the adventure discover the hero that has always been inside of us.

WALLS

I was recently sent this quote. I've been reading it over and over again and decided I would put it on this blog. Here it is...

“I made a cloister of my body and a garden of my soul. The stones of the cloister wall were my nights, and my days were the mortar. Year after year, I built the walls. But in the center I made a garden that I left open to heaven, and I invited God to walk there. And God came to me.” Sandoz turned away, trembling. “God came to me–and the rapture of those moments was so pure and so powerful that the cloister walls were leveled. I had no more need for walls. God was my protection. I could look into the face of the wife I would never have, and love all wives. I could look into the face of the husband I would never be, and love all husbands. I could dance at weddings because I was wedded to God, and all the children were mine.”-Mary Doria Russellfrom "Children of God"

I think the reason I'm so haunted by these beautiful words is because I recognize my own walls that I have built over the years. It's sobering, really, to acknowledge such a thing, but the honesty of doing that allows the Spirit to intervene in ways only the Spirit can. I like how Mary Doria Russell writes that Sandoz left an opening in the top for heaven and invited God to come into her garden. And because of such a wise thing to do, the walls she had built over the years came crumbling down; walls were no longer needed because God was her protection. Because of this, she could have intimacy with people she had never experienced before.

As I used this metaphor during my prayer time, I began to think about the walls I have built up. I know they are there. But, I began to ponder where I have sensed God. Is he coming from on high down into my garden? Where is He?

If I were honest, and I'm attempting to be that in this post (and vulnerable), I would say that I have sensed the Lord on the outside of my walls. Circling my walls. Like at Jericho; marching around and around and around. I see the trumpet at his side and they make me curious. I know He's up to something, but what is it? Because I know the story well, I have this sense He is going to do something wild and, with one loud blow on the trumpet, will knock down my walls and storm my city.

That's why I like this quote. In this quote, God doesn't storm the city demanding to come in. God comes to the center of the garden and, as a result of the intimacy there, the walls crumble and are no longer necessary. Bringing the walls down from within is such a better picture than attacking the walls from the outside and demanding access to the garden of my soul.

What about you? You probably have walls up also. Most people do. They come as a result of the harshness of life. The loss of a job. The illness of someone close to you. The sting of a relationship gone sour. Like Nehemiah, we build walls to protect our city from being sacked by those outside not worthy of trust. Yet, the Lord is one to be trusted. He is the one that comes to bind up the brokenhearted. It says so in scripture. So, how do we allow that to take place? In my warped picture, Jesus was on the outside of my walls because I put him there. He got put there with all the others. I guess I didn't mean to do it, but I did. Oh, and BTW, I'm a lousy wall builder.

So, I've decided to work on the garden....literally. I'm going outside to work on the lawn… that is raking the leaves. But also I got challenged this last week to spend 30 min everyday in quiet with God. Yikes! I tell myself this is a lot of time but I know how much I need this time. So far this experiment has been really rewarding. This time alone has invited Him draw close and give him access to my garden; to tend to the vineyard of my soul.

EXAMINE

Yesterday I was getting ready for school. I stopped to look in the mirror. One of those close kind of looks where I stopped and really examined what I saw.
Most people do this kind of thing. Doctors examine their patients to draw conclusions. Economists watch the Dow and all sorts of other numbers to make decisions regarding their money. Farmers examine their crops and dairy men and women examine their cattle. Teachers examine to see if their students are on pace or not. Pretty much every line of work takes a step back to examine the current realities and reflect on the state or condition of whatever it is that they care about.

So, I have to ask an important question....why are some so opposed to examining the state of the church? I have actually heard some say that we should STOP discussing the state of the church or how people "do" or "are" church.

Since I have a high view of scripture (but honestly don’t read it as much as I would like), I want to take one to step back and read what happens in it to see that God is forever examining the state of his people; which is the church to begin with. In the Old Testament, God sends numerous prophets because God's people were NOT where they were supposed to be. In Isaiah 1 this is what it says:

"Quit your worship charades. I cant' stand your trivial religious games: Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings - meetings, meetings, meetings - I can't stand one more! Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them! You've worn me out! I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion, while you go right on sinning. When you put on your next prayer-performance, I'll be looking the other way. No matter how long or loud of often you pray, I'll not be listening. And do you know why? Because you've been tearing people to pieces, and your hands are bloody. Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings so I don't have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong. Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down-and-out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless." Isaiah 1:13-17 The Message

Of course, people do not like to hear the voice of the prophet. Most prophets were stoned to death because God's people did not want to hear what the examination revealed; their religion had trumped what God really cares and about what he chose His people for from the very beginning; to be a light to all the nations of the world.

Jesus, himself, comes on the stage and gives an examination of the state of God's people. He was a prophet, like Isaiah, but more than just a mere human prophet. He was a prophet in that he proclaimed on behalf of God. However, he was God incarnate so His words/actions came directly to the people. For 3 years, Jesus did a show and tell for his followers. He showed them, through actions, what was important and who was important and then he told them and explained to them why he did what he did and on whose behalf. A large group of God's people began to follow Jesus. However, there were those that did NOT want to hear and see what the examination of them revealed. White washed tombs. No life. No care for those perishing. Care for maintenance of their religion they created. A self serving posture. Jesus examined it, revealed it, and it sent him to the cross because of it. They didn't want to hear the results.

There is also the Apostle John who examined God's people, or the church. I find that there is something very interesting in Revelations. Many use this book as some kind of road map to the end of the world. (For a compelling tension on this view, watch the movie The Knowing with Nicolas Cage!!!) However, John was writing to 7 churches. And he was giving these 7 churches an examination. This is what he says in Revelation 3:20-21:

"Look at me. I stand at the door and knock. I f you hear me call and open the door, I'll come right in and sit down to supper with you. Conquerors will sit alongside me at the head of the table, just as I, having conquered, took the place of honor at the side of my Father. that's my gift to the conquerors! Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches."

This book/verse is not addressing those that don't know God; the unbeliever asking Jesus to come into their hearts after hearing a knock from the Lord at their door. This is addressing the church that Jesus finds himself OUTSIDE OF wanting to come back in!

It seems that the Apostle Paul also examined the state of the church as each epistle was a letter written to specific "churches" addressing very specific areas, issues, and people.

Again, so I have to ask, why are we so fearful of examining and reflecting on the state of any church? Examination is an act of love. It's not one of disdain. It's speaking the truth in a spirit of love to make whatever we are examining better, healthier, more productive, and what it was intended to become.

I would rather be on the side of the examination than the side of those refusing to be examined. When I hear the Psalmist write that he wants to be searched and known by God; examined to see if there is any wayward, offensive way within him, I see a desire of intimacy on his part with God. He doesn't run from examination, he pleads for it.

I guess the way we can tell which side we're on; whether we welcome examination or refuse it would be for us to notice what happens when people examine "our" church and what happens internally. Do we get defensive? Do we argue? Do we shift the examining gaze from us and point the gaze to some other place? Do we negate the exam?

The institutional church is under a huge spot light these days. From people within it and from people that don't attend. Will we listen to them and what their "examination" of the state of the church? Or will plug up our ears and refuse to listen proclaiming things are just fine and we're all good? What about the Lord? Will we ask him to search us, as His church...His bride that he will forever be examining and purifying? To know us? To reveal to us where we have erred?

It's time for the church, as God's people, to don the blue smock, with the open back and go in for an examination once again. We need to open the doors so the Spirit can blow through the churches once again. We need to listen to the voice of the prophet instead of picking up a rock to throw at him or her. We need to so that the Kingdom of heaven can move forward.

books and church!

So today I sat outside of Steamers Coffeehouse reading a book that I needed to read for a class. “Holes” actually! Ya, I know, but hey that’s why I am taking a children’s literature class. I get to read fun books like that for homework. That’s what college is all about. It was quite a day. It ended up being like a story reading on the streets of five parks. I had employees of steamers, which are developmentally disabled and kids from the neighborhood sitting around me as I read aloud chapter after chapter in my book. It made me remember the days of when I was a kid listening to people read books aloud to me as my imagination and thoughts got to be free. There's really nothing like a good book. The plot, the character development, the setting, tone, and mood can almost be felt with each page. One can visualize what people look like, how the characters must feel, and attempt to predict where things are going. Page turners...there's nothing like them! When I read the Lord of the Rings series one summer, I found myself lost in the stories and did whatever it took to finish each one. Reading The Chronicles of Narnia can make me feel like I too am in Narnia, turning each page to find out what happens next. I was recently given Dune to read and even there I found myself drawn into the story, flying through each page just to see what would happen next.

Then there's the bad books. The ones that are painful to read. 2 dimensional characters, cliché verbiage, and a story line that's lacking any sort of tension; except for the tension headache I get from reading them. Usually, I just quit reading them after awhile; knowing it's not going anywhere.

The reason I'm writing about reading and the joys and pitfalls of reading a good book is because I can’t help but compare reading books and church. (Yes church has been on my mind a lot recently!) Look at what the apostle Paul writes about in 2 Corinthians 3:1-6, this is the Message translation:

"Does it sound like we're patting ourselves on the back, insisting on our credentials, asserting our authority? Well, we're not. Neither do we need letters of endorsement, either to you or from you. You yourselves are all the endorsement we need. Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ himself wrote it-not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives-and we publish it. We couldn't be more sure of ourselves in this-that you, written by Christ himself for God, are our letter of recommendation. We wouldn't think of writing this kind of letter about ourselves. Only God can write such a letter. His letter authorizes us to help carry out this new plan of action. The plan wasn't written out with ink on paper, with pages and pages of legal footnotes, killing your spirit. It's written with Spirit on spirit, his life on our lives!"

In essence, Paul is saying that the Corinthians are letters that are read by everyone. We become the written word or message from God himself to other people to read...his life on our lives. Paul didn't say the Corinthians were books, but used letters, but I think it can be said that his point was that people should be able to read us and, somehow, be an endorsement of a very living and active God. However, here's the thing I want to know...if our lives were an exciting story to be read by people, then what's wrong? It seems the general public doesn't want to read the Christian Series called "Us." They may have looked at the front and back cover to get a synopsis, but won't venture very far in to read further. Their response a shoulder shrug and a "hmph" and on to some other section in the library.

It would be easy to say that the problem is them; they are not readers. Or, if they are, they like to read junk. However, I don't think it's that simple. Perhaps our lives are not communicating the very live, active, transforming work of the Spirit of Jesus. Perhaps we are 2 dimensional, cliche-ish, and lack a compelling story line. If our lives in Christ are not page turners for others, we should do some deep reflection.

I know when I read a good book, I like to buy a copy and pass it on to others KNOWING they will like to read it too. For those of us that claim to follow Jesus, do we have people that don't know Jesus wanting us to meet their friends? Jesus was such a compelling "read" that many people, after hearing him teach, would want to invite him into their homes to meet their other friends so they can hear what they heard.

Can you say that your life, as you are living right now, is reflecting a God that is active, loving, merciful, risky, and compassionate? When people that don't know Jesus meet you, do they want to read more?

church thoughts?

I have been one that has found myself angry frustrated and critical of the church. There has been several stories in my life that have left me hurt and angry at the church that I was going to at that time. Many of these made me question, why church, what is church supposed to be, was this how God intended it? If so do I want to follow this God?

For example in my life I have been told that a job of women is to be quiet and not ask questions in church? That I could not lead or be in ministry but needed to show this guy how to do this so he can do it during church and not me because I was a woman. I was told that I didn’t have my priorities straight and that I needed to stop hanging out with those friends, and hang out with these girls, and that soccer was too important to me and so I needed to quit so I could make it to all the church functions. I was even told that because I didn’t read my Bible that week I was no longer a Christian. I remember going to new church and walking in the doors of a new church and seeing the existing cliques of friends, and sitting alone. Another church welcomed me but only for a month then I was alone and I wasn’t like the cool kids at that church. I couldn’t play an instrument or sing in the worship band. I wasn’t well liked by their intern who had favorites in her small group and I wasn’t one of them.

I saw churches do things I didn’t understand how a church could do something like that like remove a staff member who had 5 kids, just widowed and was struggling to feed her family. How could they just take away her job at the church. Wasn’t church supposed to help those in need.

After all of these things I didn’t want to go to church. I became angry and bitter to those people and I remember saying that I just won’t go, see how they like that. I thought that it would matter to them. In fact no one even really noticed that I didn’t go to church except for me. I didn’t go for an entire year.

I wanted the church to be the living body of Christ so that when new people would walk into that they would see Christ embodied by the people there. That the aroma of Jesus would be there, people could see others giving to those in need in that community and the community outside those walls. That it wasn’t about them coming to get what they wanted out of church but giving even when its hard. If people could see differences in people gifts being celebrated and used instead of just worship. If it wasn’t about just good leadership but a good congregation. There were so many things that I wanted to see if the church could step out of all that I have seen it be. However, I wasn’t doing anything to help I was just like those that I was frustrated with. I was selfish and I didn’t go thinking it was all about me and they would notice if I was not there. Well again no one knew.

That was me three years ago, which is not long ago. After this long year of not going to church I came here to 4C’s because a professor of mine believed in me and thought that I could work in a church. I didn’t want to go to church and then I am deciding to come and work at a church discipline high school students. I wanted to have it all together to be seen as correct in the eyes of the church this time wanting to get it right. Be the leader I never got. To be the change that never got to happen. Have I got it all right…heck no! Have I changed a lot of what I wanted…no! Again its not about ME changing the church! Its about US choosing to look at church in a whole new way. A way that is not about consuming church but us participating in church.

Let me talk about this church briefly. This church has given me a time of healing through the brokenness. Really a time of forgiveness because church is run by people that are just like me, imperfect, searching for answers to this God thing, and getting life wrong at times. Its going to make mistakes. Have I made mistakes as a youth leader…yes! I am sorry for all the times I didn’t call someone back, or said the absolute wrong thing during coffee. There are probably things that I have done or haven’t done that have hurt people. I am not perfect.

Has this church done something that frustrated you? Angered you? Ya probably! Maybe we aren’t entertaining enough. Maybe you liked it better when we did things that way or this way.
You have a choice just like I did when the church frustrated me, angered me, whatever you feel…you can either say well I just won’t go, or they will figure it out I am not going to do anything differently. Or you can be that change that you want to see. You could tell a leader what you desire for this church for this community. Perhaps you see a need outside these doors and want have us go downtown and talk and serve to homeless people. Perhaps you know of a family that needs extra help and would like the church to help out. There are so many things that are going unnoticed by all of us. Could we start to look more like the church that Jesus would want? Is that too hard?

I was listening to a song during worship and I related it to maybe this is what church could look like.

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

God didn’t give up on us he never lets go of us, maybe we aren’t to be so quick to give up on the church. Every church has its calm moments, moments where its on the mountain top, those are easy! But what about the storms or the low times do we just leave? That’s not what God has done for us.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Yes there is a light coming for all of us and for this church here. There will be an end to this transition. But will we continue to gather and to praise him? Will we continue to trust in God’s will for this church?

So my hope is that we can become more of a participant in church rather than just consuming it. That we can understand that church isn’t about me and what I can get, or don’t get. Its not about getting angry and frustrated. That each of us are this church and are we willing to be the Body of Christ.

A song!

Sometimes there is a song that you hear that brings you right back to somepoint in your life and reminds of those feelings that you had. I was reading tonight heard this song and really listened to the lyrics...I remember...

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who i was
Used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt-side too
But i'm not who I was
I Found my way around
To foriving you, sometime ago
But I never got to tell you
So..
I found us in a photograph
Saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
Ooo, there you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who i was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
Ooo.
I reckon it's a funny thing
Figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who i was
I write about love and such
Maybe because I want it so much
I'm not who i was
I was thinkin' maybe I,
I Should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Ooo, a-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
But the thing that I find most amazing,
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who i was

Well then...who am I now? Who do I want to be? What do I want to show? But in all truth...who am I?

A story of a Girl

I was just thinking about this story written at CBC the other day at church. It reminded me of the prodigal son story, but not about the son that ran away it reminded me about older son trying to do to get grace. And how just being with God can set us free and we can experience life. I was thinking how much I was still trying to do to gain Gods favor and love, which is not what grace is about, it is not what God is about. I am reminded that in the Kingdom of Heaven we are invited to just BE with him. So here you go an old story from my CBC days.

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived on the shores of a great and marvelous ocean. It was a wild and joyful ocean; some would even call it alive. But it was good, very good. One day, when the sea was particularly close, the girl happened to look out her window. Crrrooaaasshh!!!! A running mountain of water wrapped into itself on the ocean shore. She raced out of the hut with wide eyes, and immediately feel in love with the toe-shaking rumble. "I want to know this ocean," she said to herself. In her excitement to learn about the wonders she'd just seen, she started up this mountain, for everyone else was already in the water. "I want to experience the most ocean I can. I want to see all I can with my own eyes." Up, up, up she climbed. "I can understand now! I can see!" she exclaimed, peering out from her lofty view, "I can see!" With each step her joy overflowed with all of the amazing things she was learning. Her legs began to tire, yet she pressed on, the allure of what might be further up driving her along. By now her legs were quite strong. She turned again for a moment to look. "I can understand now! I can see!" She noticed all the people she had passed along the way, those who were ahead and others behind, how good of a climber she had become! Finally, she reached the top. "What a view!" she gasped in awe. She could see all the way to the horizon, and oh how much she now knew about the ocean! She could hardly wait to tell those who she had gone ahead of. Surely no one in the waves could have seen this! Taking it all in, she stood tall. It was at this moment that a pelican came and perched on the peak alongside her to rest from the afternoon wind. "Good afternoon, Sir Pelican," said the girl. "Allo," said the Pelican. They sat in silence for a moment. "Say," said the Pelican, "I've spent a great deal of time flying over this 'ere blue blob, but being the bird I am I've never thought to ask what it is. Would you mind telling me about it?" The girl leaped up, feeling so mature to give answers to a stranger. "Of course, I shall!" And she told the pelican all she knew about the ocean and its currents and its waves. Yet it wasn't long before the pelican became somewhat bored. "Laddy," cutting the girl off, "all that you describe I have already seen. I fly in the skies morning and night riding the breeze, but tell me what's it like? What does it feel like on your skin on a warm summer's day? Is it hard? Soft? Or somewhere in the middle? What's it like to be caught in a wave? Is there anything underneath? Deeper? What's down there?" With each question the pelican asked, the girl looked inside herself, finding nothing to answer him with. The pelican, seeing her silence, stopped his inquiry. "Weel, Laddy, thanks for your time. I'll see if I can find someone else." The pelican took to the wing and flew down the mountainside. Her eyes followed, in shocked silence. Down, down the bird went. She expected the bird to pull up soon, but to her surprise she say him go to where? Why, where else but to the ocean's edge!

Way, way down the girl say the people she had left in the water having a grand old time. They giggled as they were tossed by the waves, and she could see their wide-eyed and awed expressions, their smiles. "I can understand now, I can see," she said with sadness in her heart. She wanted desperately to return to the ocean. But all the way she had climbed! She could never take the long journey down, how all the people would laugh at her she thought, seeing her brought low. The weight of their eyes would be too much for her. She was alone. How foolish she felt, all her struggle and effort had taken her very far from where she had wanted to be all along. As she was about to despair, all of the sudden a might gust of wind swept over the mountain, catching her quite off balance. She stepped back to brace herself, yet felt the ground fall away beneath her. Looking over her shoulder her eyes met a wonderfully terrible sight: a cliff plummeting for what seemed like an eternity down into a blue pool. With a surprised yell she wasn't quiet sure if it was her own mid or something else, yet still and small there it was. Mustering up courage to again lean over the edge she listened again. She could hear the hushed cries of the people below. "Jump, Jump" Though like a whisper her heart began to race, her breath became heavy. Were they crazy? How could they expect her to just jump? "Jump. Jump." She looked again at the horizon, the light haze blurring the ocean with the sky. "Jump. Jump." Everything inside her screamed not to. Everything she had worked so hard for, all that she had given to be where she was, it somehow meant so much right now. Here heart was ripping, her pulse throbbing within her veins. "Jump. Jump." But I... "Jump. Jump." There must be some other way... "Jump. Jump." JUMP!

Eyes shut she shot into the waves... The water lightly tickled her skin. She felt the warmth of the current about her. She felt her hair dance in the waves. She opened her eyes with a hinted sting to see a thousand arms cradling her. Her eyes darted to see the wonders below the ocean's surface: colors of red and yellow and orange and green beamed brightly through the clear blue that stretched forever in every direction. Sunbeams played hide and go seek with each other, thousands at once. People all around explored the endless sea-floor, kicking in utter delight. She could see...it was ecstasy! Caught in amazement and exhilaration of what she say, it took a little while before the girl realized that she couldn't breath. Soaring to the surface, lungs bursting she splashed into the open sky. And with a deep breath that stretched down to her toe-bottoms she was filled with LIFE. "I understand now, I can BE!" The waves tossed her back and forth, and her heart giggled. She was free.

And the girl lived happily ever after, to no end.

P.S. this is an old post just thought it should go back up!